Topic: Some brave man jokes

[andyblade]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
            Marry It!

            What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
            A battery has a positive side


            What are the three fastest means of communication?
            1) Internet
            2) Telephone
            3) Tell a woman

            How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
            They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

            How is a woman like a condom?
            Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

            What should you give a woman who has everything ?
            A man to show her how to work it.

            Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist ?
            Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

            How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
            Put a nipple on it.

            Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
            Because they don't have balls to scratch.

            Why did God create woman ?
            To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


            Why do women fake orgasms ?
            Because they think men care.

            What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
            Nothing, she's been told twice already.

            If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong ?
            Made her chain too long

            How many mendoes it take to open a beer?
            None. It should be opened when she brings it.


            Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
            Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you


            Why do women have smaller feet than men?
            It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink

            How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
            When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


            How do you fix a woman's watch?
            You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


            Why do men pass gas more than women?
            Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure



            If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
            The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


            What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
            A woman who won't do what she's told


            I married a Miss Right.
            I just didn't know her first name was Always.


            Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
            It's called a Wedding Cake.


            Why do men die before their wives ?
            They want to.


            Women will never be equal to men...
            Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy


            In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
            Then God created Man and rested.
            Then God created Woman.
            Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

[guzz]

Some of those are very true, but I ain't saying which ones..... '>

[Spill]

Quote (andyblade @ Nov. 20 2007,17:49)

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?      Nothing, she 's been told twice already.

Personally, I would have cut that one out.  '>

[Alba]

you must be in a very healthy relationship Andy, to be able to make such jokes without fear of been hated by all women on site  '>
good on you

[andyblade]

im lucky, the missus doesnt come on here, lol

[MATTP]

The thing about most of those so called jokes are that they are next to all linked to a period of time when men were nothing more than pigs. If I have a daughter and a guy trys some of those things with her I'll be doing a long strfetch inside.

[StrumminRonin]

Thanks. I'm sharing these with my guitar friends.... '>

[andyblade]

well you cant moan at me anymore as here are some more

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know....it never happened)
  
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[madscientist]

I don't think number 5 worked - men still seem to try to hump everything in sight at parties!

Why do women put on weight when they get married?
Cos single women go home, look in the fridge and then head to bed, whereas married women go home, look in bed and then head to the fridge!
'>

[trouty]

come on... in this day and age, sexism has no place.

[jimc]

Oh I don't know - Vive La Difference!

Just leave me out of it, paid my dues...