Topic: Friday joke page

[The old man]

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. The boss excuses him.

Come Tuesday morning the man shows up as promised and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Again the boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." The boss excuses him again but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long." "Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"



Man says, "Yeah... I told you I was sick!"

[The old man]

TOOLS.

01. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
     hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
     your beer across the room, splattering it against that
      freshly painted part you were drying.

   02. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then
      throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
     speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
     hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes
      you to say, "Ouch ..."

   03. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
      steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

   04. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

   05. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
      the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy
      into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
      attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
      future becomes.

   06. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If
      nothing else is available, they can also be used to
      transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
      hand.

   07. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
      lighting various flammable objects in your garage on
      fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
      brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

   08. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
      British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
      for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
      searching for the last 15 minutes.

   09. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a
      motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your
     new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
      firmly under the front fender.

   10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for
       levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

   11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

   12. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he
      has another hydraulic floor jack.

   13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
      sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
      for getting dog-do off your boot.

   14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that
      snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
      known drill bit.

   15. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for
      illuminating grease buildup.

   16. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
      testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
      brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

   17. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large
      motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
      machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

   18. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
      sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your
      toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as
      a doornail, just as you thought.

   19. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

   20. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
      Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of
      vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
      otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
      benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume
      40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
      howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
      few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
      light, its name is somewhat misleading.

   21. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
      lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash
      oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
      implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

   22. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
      produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away
      and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
      hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips
      rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago and rounds
      them off.

   23. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
      surrounding that clip or bracket
      you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
      part.

   24. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
      short.
   25. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
      the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod
      to locate expensive parts not far from the object we
      are trying to hit.

   26. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
      the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
      front door; works particularly well on boxes
      containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

   27. SOLDERING IRON: a hand held metal device that
      reaches insane temperatures useful for joining metal
      components/wire with solder, melting adjacent plastic
      components that are inexplicably placed right next to
      the metal components in question, and most
      importantly, the branding of human flesh.

[Darkmonster]

Lewis bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail off one horse. That worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and Lewis was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, Lewis couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was two inches taller than the black one.

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Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."